Years ago I went to a workshop that Dr. Steven Stosny was conducting on chronic anger and it's causes.
In short, he said three things: Anger comes from feeling devalued or anticipating that you're going to be devalued.
Secondly, the way that you begin to ameliorate anger is by maintaining a "core value" of self love.
And by training yourself, on a daily basis, reminding yourself of your Core Value and the elements of good that you make up who you are, we see ourselves and others with more compassion and love.
Stosny talks about the premise of Core Value as being essential. As we feel better about ourselves we are less likely to get angry. And it's a practice to remind ourselves that we are very loving and loveable people.
It is our nature to get love from another to try to feel good about ourselves. But there's a limit, and it starts with how we feel about ourselves. "Being loved without feeling lovable," Stosny states "means that other people can make you feel loved, but they can't make you feel worthy of love, because that depends on what you do. Other people loving you depends on their core value. Whether you are worthy of love depends on yours." To further illustrate this, Stosny said that the famous psychologist Fritz Perls said that "falling in love isn't finding the right person, it's becoming the right person."
Therefore, identifying practicing, and embracing your Core Value-your basic goodness-under stress is when your relationships improve with others because your relationship with yourself improves.
This is one of the points of "inner work" that everybody talks about but not many people quantify all that well. Below explains what I mean and it is a really good start.
This is a link to the "Core Value Bank" that Stosny has constructed. It's from the "Love Without Hurt" training (he calls it Boot Camp.) I've added a link so it's accessible. Just read and listen to it and see what you think. Tomorrow I'll explain how I've used it and continue to bring in back into focus for myself. It works.
We're only fourteen days into this. People have commented on the changes they've seen in me already. It's just a focus, nothing more, and practice being focused.
You're growing. You've got this.