√ Mr. Rogers and the Note In His Wallet
The note in the wallet of the extraordinary Mr. Fred Rogers tells us how we should behave towards each other and how we should treat ourselves.
I own most of his books. I just saw the movies. I have Mr. Rogers’ Coffee Mug. When you put your coffee in it, he changes from wearing a blue sport coat to a tan sweater. It’s pretty freakin’ cool.
He caught my attention when I was an angry, resentful forty-something.
I was working nearly sixty hours a week as a Psychotherapist and Life Coach, developing an ego the size of a firetruck and carrying enough resentment toward my wife that it kept us from speaking.
I was isolated, angry, and needed some reference to change my perspective. Out of the blue, somebody gave me a book of his sayings and I read it. I also saw a front page article from Esquire magazine titled, “Can You Say Hero?”
He meant nothing to me as a child. When he showed up on television in Chicago, I was in fifth grade. Fifth graders don’t watch Mr. Rogers. They’ve outgrown him.
Yet, I read his books with new eyes.
And, suddenly, my eyes opened to the beauty of his words.
I discovered where the bar of a good human being was set. I learned quickly about the kind of man he was. He never seemed be concerned about his feelings or how he was treated. His faith kept him warm and insulated from anger and unkindness. His focus seemed wholly consumed by the emotional welfare of children.
As an adult, it’s often challenging to avoid the traps of self centeredness and control within so many parts of your life. Fred Rogers demonstrated the opposite of that. I wanted to change the essence of my own temperament and behavior.
I felt he was a good model for me to follow as an adult. I began to read his books again, dozens of his short writings on how you should treat one another and behave like a gentle, compassionate and patient human being.
I failed miserably. I remained a selfish jerk. But I kept the books anyway. Still have the mug. I actually still read the quotes in both from time to time.
Then a couple of years ago, I ran across a story about a note that Mr. Rogers kept in his wallet.
It piqued my interest since it was supposedly given to him by a social worker (I have my Master’s degree in Social work.) It said the following;
"Frankly, there isn't anyone you couldn't learn to love once you've heard their story.”
I sat with that quote for hours.
It hit me in an unexpected place.
As I’ve mentioned in this space, whenever I’ve had a client in front of me, I’d have about forty five minutes to convince them of two things: First, that they are an absolutely wonderful person and, secondly, that everything is going to be all right. But it’s convincing someone of the first that is critically important. Now hold on to this sentiment for a second.
And let’s go back to Fred Rogers’ note in his wallet. Knowing somebody else's story is important. I made a living at it, and still do.
But the Fred Rogers’ note? The “their story” thing didn’t matter to me. Instead, I interpreted it like this:
The true state of understanding, in its purest sense, has less to do with knowing somebody else’s story than it has to understanding and accepting your own.
With kindness. With forgiveness. With acceptance. And with Love.
At any point in any week, anyone-including me-can find themselves feeling suicidal, depressed, anxious, angry and ashamed. We all can hold harsh judgment against our past, and hold no self confidence or hope in our future.
We can take responsibility for what we did, who we were, and how incredibly short sighted we were in our ability to be:
calm
steady
strong
peaceful
caring
responsive
We all have missed that boat from time to time. In fact, to carry this metaphor a little further, that boat has never taken dock in many of our emotional harbors.
On any given day, when we look at our life, we can convince ourselves that we’re frauds, liars, and awful human beings in every way possible. And we wish we would’ve done the hard work, the risk taking steps, to feel fully confident and accepting of ourselves, as Fred Rogers would say, “just the way we are.”
Please. Please, please, do just that for yourself.
A Note From My Heart
Don’t leave this earth in guilt, shame, anger or remorse.
Take responsibility for the harm you’ve done, and do everything you can to make amends. Make every effort to heal whatever needs to be healed, particularly with those you have disdain for. Nobody wrote “Love Thy Friends.” No, it was “Love Thy Enemies” because it’s the deepest form of healing you can offer…
…particularly when the enemy is you.
“Frankly, there isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story. - Fred Rogers
Listen to yours.
And begin to love yourself, “just the way you are.”
Amen.